Breaking News – Crazed Librarian hijacks HMRC Stamp Duty Offices

A crazed maniac librarian has taken the entire Stamp Duty Office hostage at gun point.  Armed response units are on the scene and are trying to negotiate with the barking bookworm as he starts making uncomprehensible demands.
More breaking news from the Bull News Agency…

“Anti Teen” device to be upgraded

Waisotime, the company that produces the Mosquito ‘anti teen’ device has responded this morning with an announcement for a replacement gadget for customers who face having their anti teen devices banned under new legislation.  The ATERD (Anti Teen Electronic Radar Device) Module will be available in shops from early next week and will allow current owners to trade in their old units for a smaller more deadly alternative.

Waisotime has called it a “revolution in anti social behaviour management” and has invested over £4million in researching and developing a new and formidable anti teen device for the domestic market.

“QuinitiQ have already sold millions of units of this device to African regimes looking to control unruly and rebellious populations, hault invading armies and make habitable land inhabitable” said Michael Sledgehammer-Crowbar, CEO of Mosquito. “The device is simple and sleek, there is no installation time and it is %100 effective at contact”

Waisotime have bought the rights to the domestic market for this device which can be concealed underneath bushes, shallow dirt and even disguised as a portable CD player.
Upon contact the device explodes showering mobs with burning hot shards of shrapnel. 

In tests yobs and children suffered horrific and terrifying injuries, but the peace and tranquility of the parks, playgrounds and amusement arcades where the device was tested was kept, ensuring a child/teen free environment.

Consumer groups felt that this device meant a new era for the management of anti social behaviour. “Not only is it more effective then the Anti Teen device that emitted a high pitched sound, it is loud enough to let you know that you need to replace it too” said Glennda Macaroni, Chairperson of the Association for the Unethical Treatment of Children and Screaming Babies, “I’m going out to replace my devices with a whole field of these new cheap alternatives”.

Liverpool leaves Facebook, Petition Snubbed

NOTWORKING site Facebook appears to have made a huge PR cock-up by telling people in Liverpool that they will have to join the Manchester network.

The website refused to create a networking group for Liverpool and told told Scousers they would have to join the Manchester network instead.

http://www.theinquirer.net/gb/inquirer/news/2008/02/12/liverpool-facebook-revolt

Prescott spotted in North Atlantic

John Presscott has been sighted in the North Atlantic after pundits believed he had been hunted by the tabloids to the point of extinction.  The rare sighting of this oddity of the political world was made by a team from the University of Plymouth whilst studying the mating behaviours of another rare specimen, John Major.
Dr Theodore Moss of the Department of Rare Politicians at the university commented on this positive sighting at a press conference held earlier this afternoon, “we are positive that John Prescott is alive and well and feeding from its main source of food of pies and Cod.  With dwindling Cod stocks, John Prescott was feared to have become extinct after no sightings were reported after Blair left office.  We are now confident that there are sufficient numbers to continue breeding and with added protection from the government, we look forward to more sightings inthe future”

Fish Finger sues Boy

A Fish Finger has become the first frozen food item in known history to sue the family of a boy who was trying to eat him.  The incident occured after school when the boys mother, who cannot be named for legal reasons, cooked the Fish Finger at 200 degrees celcius for ten minutes.  Suffering extensive defrosting and burns to 100% of his body until his breadcrumbs were crisp and golden.
The prosecution made its case this morning at a private hearing in a freezer cabinet at with the members of the court dressed in wolly hats and jumpers.  The court has adjourned for the day.

BoJo loses Mojo

Boris Johnson, the Tory’s London Mayoral candidate, has lost his Mojo. The item is made of 18carat gold and was lost when Boris attended a press conference this afternoon, Police suspect that the antique source of Boris’ power has been stolen but refuse to speculate as to how it was stolen and whom might have possession of it.
The Mojo was given to Boris on his 15th birthday by his great aunt Mandibula, Boris has referred to it in previous interviews as his main source of wooing the opposite sex and striking an imposing figure within the corridors of power. However, it has also been the source of great embaressment for Boris and the Tory party. Two years ago, Prime Ministers Question time was rudely disturbed when Boris dropped it on David Cameron, shortly afterwards the blonde bumbler was sidelined from mainstream politics after a series of blunders.
The Mojo takes its strength from three AAA batteries that give it an incandescent glow, friends and family of Boris fear that the Mojo has been sent overseas as they are particularly popular with Canadian Agricultural civil servants.

It is official, Avacados are intelligent

A report published today in the Avacado Digest, claims that the humble vegetable that so many of us enjoy, is in fact an intelligent sentient being, they just haven’t worked out how to communicate with our primitive human brains until now.  The report, written by Dr Balthasar McFinnigan of Templar University claims that the research was aided by two avacados that he had bought in Tescos as part of a BOGOF offer, when they started conversing with him about quantum mechanics and genetics.
Dr McFinnigal hopes to achieve equal rights for Avacados and has applied to the European Courts of Human Rights to see that his two specimens, named Mork & Vladimir, are given equal status as human beings.

Euro Millions won by Millionaire

LONDON (Reuters) – The rich, they keep getting richer, judging by a report on Monday that the winner of Britain’s 26.5 million pound lottery jackpot last month was already a multi-millionaire.

The identity of the person who became Britain’s second-biggest lottery winner on scoring the August 31 EuroMillions jackpot has not been officially disclosed.

But the Sun newspaper reported he already owned a multinational business, a 4-million-pound gated property and a Rolls Royce.

“He is desperately trying to keep his windfall secret from everyone except his family,” the newspaper wrote.

Asked about the winner’s identity, a spokesman for lottery operator Camelot said: “The winner…did not take publicity, so we can neither confirm nor deny any information about it.”

Local Government to abolish Application forms

The Home Office have declared in a statement released this afternoon, that application forms used within the recruitment process, will be banned and criminalised. In a controversial move from traditional pen and paper based methods, local government which includes all Councils and Education Authorities throughout England and Wales will use interpretive dance as one of many ways of selecting candidates. Suggestions have been put forward from regional authorities around the country which include many alternative methods such as ‘First Past the Post’ and ‘Death Match’. Plymouth unitary authority have put plans in motion for a method called ‘Shark Food’ where potential applicants will be thrown to a pool of starved Tiger sharks, and the last one left alive with a pulse will be offered the job.

This move has, however, been criticised by human rights organisations dubbing it “a mockery to fairness and decency in a move to alienate immigrants Poland and beyond”. A spokesman from Amnesty International has called it “racism at its highest levels, everyone knows that the British as mad enough and possess less dignity then most Europeans or Africans. If you asked a Pole to jump in to pool of sharks he’d call you insane, any British citizen would ask you how long you wanted him to stay in, its a well known fact”. The Home Office declined to be interviewed but released a statement this afternoon stating “We see recruitment for the 21st Century as an oppurtunity for development and new methods, we envisage recommending that all authorities explore the options as thoroughly as possible before new policy is decided upon”.

Airport Star in Clone Controversy

Airport star, Jeremy Spake is to appear in a new ITV series entitled “I’m a Celebrity, Clone me”.  Producers have not disclosed any details about the show content, but Jeremy Spake has been criticised for his part in what critics have dubbed “the most immoral television show on Earth”.

The production company behind it, Endemol, have released a statement this afternoon stating that “If Dolly the sheep could do it, then Jeremy Spake can as well.  We approached Jeremy after he had expressed interest in reviving his career, and felt that this was the best avenue for him to pursue”.

Jeremy Spake first found fame as the cuddly irratating fat camp customer service representative in Airport, narrated by Baldrick and first shown on ITV in 1996.  Since then Spake (39) has done anything he can to get in the spotlight, three years ago he climbed Mount Everest in a Tutu and nearly froze to death when he ran out of Coconut milk and Limes, surviving on the flesh of his dead Shurpa entourage he was found three weeks later by a rescue team.